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pounds_suck's Journal
Created on 2007-07-27 10:28:45 (#13466892), last updated 2009-04-14
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Basic Info| Name: | pounds_suck |
|---|---|
| Birthdate: | 1986-07-04 |
| Location: | Bristol, United Kingdom |
BioI've suffered with my ED for 10 years. I started when I was 12/13 and it was just purging, I didn't over eat or binge but I purged after any food went into my body. I lost a stone in that 1st week, I wish it was so easy now. It takes me much longer to lose weight nower days. After several years of purging I stopped eating, I remember sitting down to a meal my mum had cooked and eating it, I thought to myself 'I can not remember the last meal I ate'
My life carried on in this way for several years, I also spent a lot of time cutting myself. I hated myself and often thought about ending my life. I tried once. When I was 18 I moved to Bristol for uni. I met matthew, he lived in my flat and it was the first time I was happy. We started going out very quickly, I gained 24lbs! After two years I think I had gained 58 lbs in total going from 98 lbs to 154lbs, scary right. I still purged on occasion. I was in recovery and although I hated being so heavy I liked being happy, eventually the weight thing won, I started over with cutting myself and purging more frequently. In 2007 I joined this site and became a member of PA. I come on here occasionaly as over the years I have been up and down. Now however I am here for good. I had a huge fall out with my family a year ago. It was awful and I ended up telling them about my ED. This made matters worse. I didn't speak to then for 5 months. It's still hard now but we speak and I visit occasionaly, they don't understand the pain they caused me. I had therapy and I know that the reasons for my mental unstability is down to my childhood, I don't blame them but it's how it is. I live a life of lies, self hatred and pity. I critize everything I am, look like and do. Food is the one constant, the one thing ibhave a say over and right now I am in control of it not it in control of me. I have issues with body image yes, but it is mostly I hate myself so much and I have only ever learnt these negative ways of living and copeing. I dont like it, I don't advocate it however I am me and I'm just trying to get through the days. Nobody who does not live with an ED can imagine how life is for us. My thoughts are over powered by thoughts of self distruction, not one day in my life have I not felt guilt for eating, the disgust I feel of eating a meal is unberable. The desire to cut my wrists, the wish to voulentarely starve myself. I'm unstable, unhinged but I live with it. There is nothing left to do.
My life carried on in this way for several years, I also spent a lot of time cutting myself. I hated myself and often thought about ending my life. I tried once. When I was 18 I moved to Bristol for uni. I met matthew, he lived in my flat and it was the first time I was happy. We started going out very quickly, I gained 24lbs! After two years I think I had gained 58 lbs in total going from 98 lbs to 154lbs, scary right. I still purged on occasion. I was in recovery and although I hated being so heavy I liked being happy, eventually the weight thing won, I started over with cutting myself and purging more frequently. In 2007 I joined this site and became a member of PA. I come on here occasionaly as over the years I have been up and down. Now however I am here for good. I had a huge fall out with my family a year ago. It was awful and I ended up telling them about my ED. This made matters worse. I didn't speak to then for 5 months. It's still hard now but we speak and I visit occasionaly, they don't understand the pain they caused me. I had therapy and I know that the reasons for my mental unstability is down to my childhood, I don't blame them but it's how it is. I live a life of lies, self hatred and pity. I critize everything I am, look like and do. Food is the one constant, the one thing ibhave a say over and right now I am in control of it not it in control of me. I have issues with body image yes, but it is mostly I hate myself so much and I have only ever learnt these negative ways of living and copeing. I dont like it, I don't advocate it however I am me and I'm just trying to get through the days. Nobody who does not live with an ED can imagine how life is for us. My thoughts are over powered by thoughts of self distruction, not one day in my life have I not felt guilt for eating, the disgust I feel of eating a meal is unberable. The desire to cut my wrists, the wish to voulentarely starve myself. I'm unstable, unhinged but I live with it. There is nothing left to do.
ConnectInterests (11):
animals/animal rights, dance, having fun, music, proana, psychology, reading, the beach, the snow, walking., writting
External Services:
 | pounds_suck@livejournal.com |
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